How I Learned That Some Were Calling Me A 'Player'

In the Summer of 1998, I met and became friends with two women named Debbie and Tammy who spent quite a bit of time walking together in the park.

Even though Debbie and Tammy were both married, the three of us would eventually spend a considerable amount of time together and we had a lot of fun, which was quite all right with their husbands.

In 1999, my son, Johnathan, worked at Hardees where Debbie, Tammy, and I sometimes frequented. One day at home, Johnathan told me, "You know, Dad, some of my friends who work at Hardees are saying that when they see you with your friends, Debbie and Tammy, that you are a 'player'."

I asked, "What does that mean?"

Johnathan replied, "You know. One man, two women..........you're a player!"

Later that day, I drove out to the park where I knew that Debbie and Tammy were walking and after I drove up to them and they came over by my car window, I told them, "I don't know if I should tell you this or not but Johnathan just told me that some of the guys who he works with at Hardees say that when they see me with the two of you, that I'm a player."

With a distinct and sharp edge in her voice, Debbie asked me, "What does that mean?"

I replied, "I think it means that I'm kind of a 'James Bond type'."

Debbie turned to Tammy and asked her, "Does he strike you as being a 'James Bond type'?"

Tammy thought for a moment with a far away look in her eyes and she replied, "No, not really," causing me to laugh very hard!

The Day That I Walked On Water

I was always amused whenever I share the following story with others.

In Fall, 1991, I audited a college class at the college here in Hannibal, Hannibal-LaGrange College, which used to be a Baptist college but now only 'unofficially' a Baptist college. The class I took was called 'Christian Doctrine' and taught by a very bright man, Dr. Morgan. One day in class, Dr. Morgan mentioned miracles.

I decided to try some of my patented humor and I asked, "Dr. Morgan, are you going to talk about miracles?"

Dr. Morgan replied, "No."

I continued, "Have you read of any speculations on the metaphysics involved in changing five loaves and two fishes into food for 5,000 men?"

Dr. Morgan replied, "No."

I replied, "I haven't either! I've ALWAYS been fascinated by that one! As far as walking on water......whenever a lake freezes over.......I can do THAT," flopping my arm onto my desk.

(Only one student muffled a laugh in the back of the room.)

Dr. Morgan slowly walked over to my chair and, looking down on me from my side, in a disgusted tone of voice, he asked me, "Ya wouldn't consider that to be a miracle, wouldja?!"

I nervously laughed and replied, "No," and I laughed some more.

One thing that I noticed about this class of religion students that quite contrasted to my engineering classes many years earlier is that these students were usually afraid to laugh at clearly humorous comments. (This vignette is included in my manuscript. As I have told a few, my manuscript is not your typical tome on religion.)

The Horehound Candy Story

One story that always pleases the listener whenever I tell it took place when Terry, Harry, Carl, and Glenn were traveling out to a worksite. Terry was driving the carryall and Harry was riding 'shotgun' on the passenger side of the front seat. In the back were Carl (who is a very shy person) and a part-time technician, Glenn.

Harry had just bought a sack of horehound candy (which is little heard of these days--it is a hard and bitter candy that was very commonly sold years ago at drug stores). Harry turned around to Carl and asked him, "Carl, would you like a piece of horehound candy?"

Carl replied, "Nah, I don't think I care for any."

Harry then asked Glenn, "Glenn, would you like a piece of horehound candy?"

Glenn sharply replied, "No, and there's not a son of a bitch in this carryall who's man enough to make me eat a piece!!"

Terry and Harry then quickly looked at each other in the front seat and they instantly knew what they had to do. Terry pulled the carryall over and parked it and then he and Harry got out of the carryall and dragged Glenn out of the back seat and threw Glenn down to the ground on his back. Terry then pinned Glenn's legs down with his knees and Harry pinned his knees on top of Glenn's shoulders and the way Harry tells this story, he says, "And I grabbed Glenn's hook-beaked nose and closed it to where he had to open his mouth to breathe and when he did, I popped into his mouth a piece of horehound candy."

They then all got up off the ground and climbed back into the carryall and headed back down the road. Several seconds later, Harry turned back around and asked, "Carl, are you sure that you don't want a piece of horehound candy?"

Carl had a broad smile on his face when he replied, "I'd love a piece."

A Story About My Good Friend, Gene

For about six years now, on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, I meet up with my good friend, Gene, at the Walmart Snack Bar after I leave the library at 3 o'clock when the stock market closes. Gene turned 90 on December 7, 2005 and he enjoys pointing out to others that he was born on 'Pearl Harbor Day'. On these three days out of each week, Gene and I cuss and discuss many things under the sun, particularly politics and St. Louis Cardinals baseball and we often good-naturedly rib each other.

Although Gene suffers from macular degeneration and gets around rather slowly, he stills lives on his own in his own apartment and gets around town on the OATS bus. Back in about 2001, when I arrived at Walmart to get together with Gene, his step-granddaughter, Teresa, was visiting with him in the cafe booth and she had just told Gene, and then told me, that she had been suffering from such a severe headache that morning that she went to her doctor and had a CAT scan done as a precautionary measure.

I told Teresa, "You know, I have headaches, myself, on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Fridays."

Teresa asked me, "About 3 o'clock?"

I replied, "More like 5 o'clock."

Teresa and I then turned to look at Gene on his side of the booth and we both could see 'the wheels turning' in Gene's head.

Finally, Gene replied, "Well, it must be catching because I have headaches on those same days myself," causing Teresa and me to roar with laughter!!!

Carl's Extraordinary Coffee Bottle

One of my favorite Doniphan stories involves the friendly rivalry among the four technicians, Ralph, Carl, Terry, and Harry, who each owned an identical Aladdin thermos bottle that each of them carried out to the field when they were surveying or doing construction inspection. Each of the guys claimed that his thermos kept his coffee the hottest the longest among the four bottles.

One Monday morning (in about 1987) at about 7:30 a.m., Terry, Ralph, Harry, Rachel, and I were gathered around the break table for our morning cup of coffee before we began our day and we noticed that Carl was running a little late. This wasn't too unusual as Carl lived 30 miles away in Poplar Bluff. Someone noticed that Carl had left his coffee bottle on his desk over the weekend and someone quickly had the idea of pouring the hot coffee from the pot sitting on the coffee maker into Carl's thermos and then see what happens when Carl arrives at work, which we did.

A few minutes later, Carl pulled up in his car and the first thing that he did after coming through the front door is look over at his desk, laughed a little bit and commented that he thought that he had left his thermos in the office over the weekend. Someone then asked Carl if there was still some coffee left in his thermos. All five of us were very quiet as Carl slowly walked over to his desk, remove the stainless steel screw-on cup from his thermos and then he removed the stopper. Carl then poured the coffee from his thermos into the stainless steel cup and as we all watched the hot steam roll out of the cup from his 'three day old coffee', we all shouted out five different variations of, "Wow, Carl, your thermos is GREAT!!"

And then we all had one of the many laughs that we shared during our years working in that office.